This stupid funk

I honestly have to get myself out of this funk that I’ve been in for the last seven months.  I have been so emotionally damaged since May of this year.  I’ve never had my heart broken like this before.  I have my good days but those are really rare.  I get up every morning and go to work.  I come home to an empty place and you h do nothing.  I try and go do some photography after work but it’s dark half an hour after I leave work.  Winters absolutely suck in Canada.  You have really short days and long nights.  The days are cold and the nights are even colder.  My heart is just charcoal.  It’s essentially dead.  Every date I’ve had was essentially a disaster.  The women online that I meet through the dating sites are total and complete unreliable flakes.

The only things that keep me going now are just 2 or 3 friends that I hang out with regularly, my job and my photography.  I have to find a side gig to pay off my crippling debt that the ex girlfriend left me with.  I now have to pay for the whole rent for the apartment.  I have to pay for all my food.  Internet, phone, car insurance, hydro, rent.  All on me.  I get that I’m an adult and I don’t want to be a parasite on someone, let alone society.  I just feel very alone and isolated.  The thing I miss the most is coming home to someone and going to bed alone.  

In the spring of 2023, I’ll be moving myself to Calgary, Alberta.  I just can’t stay here in Ottawa anymore.  I’m just done.  I’m so bored with the city, with everything.  I’m just going to find a room in a house somewhere and pay my $600 a month.  I literally have no one to rely on.  Just myself.  I know I’m not the only one in this situation.  And I know most people have it worse than myself.

I think, from now on, I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone.  That is quite sad to say at the age of 47.  But the way things are going right now with society, with women who want to act like and be men, it’s just not worth dating anymore.  All you have is miserable single mothers who have unbelievably high standards that for most guys are unattainable.  95% of women now go after the 1% of guys who make $100,000, are over 6 feet tall and whatever else.  I hope things change in the coming months.  I’m 47.  I don’t go to clubs, bars.  I spend the majority of my time alone.  

I need to change my location.  I need to change me.  I need to be in the mountains.  I was there in 2017 for 4 months and I was happy.  Driving and seeing the mountains.  Walking in the mountains and breathing the fresh air.  Taking pictures and videos.  That was the best time of my life.  I have to recapture that.